E was declared brain dead on 10-18-11 at about 10 in the morning. That's when the death certificate was signed. We kept him on life support long enough for them to find recipients for his viable organs. There was a lot of paperwork. A few blood tests for me and E. As soon as a heart recipient was located, they set a time for surgery and we waited. About 36 hours from being declared legally dead to the donation surgery.
Our families came back to say goodbye and some got to hold him for the first and last time. We slept some. I got to hold E for a few hours and fall asleep with him on my chest. Something I'd been very much looking forward to, but not like this. We also had to scramble to find a funeral home to take E's body after the autopsy and start thinking about cremation/burial/funeral arrangements. So much to do and all I wanted to do was to hold him while I still could. Luckily my dad did most of the legwork and came to us with a few options so it wasn't as overwhelming.
At about 11:30 pm on 10-19-11 it was time for E to go to surgery. The transplant team was in place. It was time to say the first goodbye. It was torture. How to you kiss your child goodbye while their heart is still beating? I think it was the single most difficult thing I have ever done. Intellectually, I knew he was gone. I knew there was no taking him home. No future. But my heart screamed out, "Please don't take my baby!" We said our goodbyes and kissed and hugged E, then they started taking him away and I wailed. I cried harder than I have ever cried in my life. A. had to help me walk. We had to walk away. To the little room at the end of the NICU where we would wait.
The couch in this room folded out into a bed. A. and I got into bed and held each other and cried. I fell asleep after a bit and A. said that I kept whimpering and jerking awake. He stayed awake to soothe me back to sleep. I needed that sleep.
Around 4am, surgery was over. They came to tell us and let us know that they would be bringing E to us soon. My baby boy was a hero. They closed him up and put him in an outfit I picked out. It was footed pajamas, white with green frogs and blue stars. One of the first outfits I bought for him when I was pregnant. They also wrapped him up in blankets. Receiving blankets that we brought from home. Green with stars and grey with stars. He was swaddled tightly. Nurse K carried him into the room. Neither of us knew what to do. She handed him to A. We asked her not to leave. It was the only time I got to see him without any tubes, IVs or wires. He was so cold already. And his face was yellow from the iodine. Probably his whole body. But he was perfect and at peace. It was really real now. He was dead. My beautiful baby boy. The last time I'll ever get to kiss him or hold him. I still remember the weight. I miss it. My arms ached for months missing that weight.
I miss him.
